I know, I know, I sound like I have a split personality disorder. If you have been following along with my most recent posts you may have decided I am the most indecisive person on the planet. Am I? Or am I just stuck between what I want to be doing and what I think I should be doing?
There is no denying that I have a very sensible and very playful side of my personality- that’s a given BUT this isn’t the reasoning behind my constant change of heart.
A few months ago, I published a post titled Saying Goodbye to a Life of Travel and explained how I felt like I was experiencing a break up, a detachment from my love of Travel. I mentioned that finding a life partner also brings its sensible decision making antics- like thinking about future and family. Cute…but not for me, not now anyway. I thought we were making a sensible ‘grown up’ decision by deciding to focus on buying a house but the more we spoke about what we really wanted to be doing, the more we realised we were making the biggest sacrifice of all and NEITHER of us were ready for it.
Sure, I one day would love to create my own Indonesian oasis and deck my own home out with the best Balinese decor on the planet. I would love to show my guests around my stylish three bedroom home and serve up a delightful meal, fresh from my new thermomix. One day, I will be the domesticated goddess I imagine myself. One day, I will be the mother of cute little grommets and dedicated my time and energy investing into them…BUT that is not now and there is no need for YEARS of preparation, just so my future me’s can enjoy a life that I forgot to live.
Am I being dramatic? Yes…but I did title this post ‘ramblings’ for a reason. My delightful readers, it is so very simple- I want more!!
Who decided that the norm for everyone was to complete school, get a university degree, find a job that pays well, buy a house that takes you 20 years to pay off, leave all your hard earned money to your little people so that they can eat, sleep and repeat the exact same cycle you spent 80 years completing. I’m sorry Mr. Dictator of Society but I WANT MORE.
Every now and again, I feel alive, like this, I feel alive. I wake up thinking ‘I want to discover if children play the same all throughout the world’ or wonder how I would respond if I had to face my deepest fears, was confronted with the realities of other cultures or met someone who thought differently to me. How would I carry myself through the streets of Marrakesh? What would I consider to be “important” after meeting children in Uganda? How would I define happiness after living among the people of Malawi?
Every now and again, I crave more. I decide that the end goal of my life should be joy, enlightenment and a contentment with WHO I am. We all know that experiences shape who we are as people, both the good and bad- they shape us. My younger years introduced me to my nemesis, Anxiety. My teenage years questioned my self worth and young adulthood taught me about love and loss.
At 25, I have experienced a lot and have been lucky enough to “find myself” while travelling Europe and discover companionship by meeting the love of my life. At 25, I could be happy with what I have done so far and say ‘that’s enough- time to conform”. At 25, I could easily say it’s time to break up with a life of travel, I’m lucky with what I have. I could do these things and then I would be saying that dedicating 4.5% of my life time to doing what I LOVE is enough.
It is not enough.